Wandering and Wondering

I love my family so much! I actually got the chance to go see them in beautiful Virginia(yes, it is for lovers) last weekend. It was such a wonderful time just being with them again. It makes me sad though that I'm not closer to them geographically. I wonder sometimes why God has me down here just wandering around until school starts, instead of being back home from my family. It breaks my heart to be so far from the people I love most. Not that I question God's authority, it'd just be nice to know what exactly I'm supposed to be accomplishing while I'm role-playing a nomad. I trust Him to take care of me and to lead me and to guide me, but it's not easy. I do depend on Him for direction, otherwise I would never have come down to SC in the first place, let alone stay here for so long. I just want to finally reach the promise land instead of encamping right outside it. But I am so thankful for what He has accomplished in my life and in my relationship with Him while I've been here in SC. I can honestly say, that if I hadn't been on my own down here, I probably would not have learned many of the things He has shown me. I am truely grateful to Him. Shouldn't that be enough for me though? Shouldn't I be satisfied with what He has done and what He's going to do? I feel so bad questioning my circumstances but I'm so anxious to just reach my promised destination. God is so good to me...I don't doubt that He's going to bring me to school because He promised me that that is where He wants me... The question is when?? When is the "right time"? I know it's God's timing, but when is that? sigh... I pray the Lord will grant me patience and peace about the whole matter. Faith! Have it! Haha! Praise the Lord for He is worthy of it! ciao!!

P.s. Congratulations to Mr. Vance on his recent engagement!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so excited for them!!!

Dear Xanga,

It's come to my attention that the sins I commit are allot of the times all spawning from one huge problem that affects every aspect of who I am. It drives me crazy! because no matter how many times I try and ask God to deliver me from those sins, I feel like there's a chain that's attached to my ankle and no way to break free. It's kind of like Frodo's Ringwraith wound...it'll be alright for awhile but as soon as he's confronted with that evil, he feels the sting of it and it affects him. He writhes in pain and can't ever escape it until all of them are completely annihilated. I want God to change me and convict me in such a way that I'll never want to even come close to considering that sin. I want to be free. I don't want to feel the nagging guilt that follows...deliverance, God please!
But why would God consider this wretch? Why would He take His own life for me? What have I done that has ever been worthy of His sacrifice? The answer: absolutely nothing! I don't deserve it in the least. I don't even deserve things like love, joy, peace, patience and all the good things that come from Him because I am but a peon, a worm, nothing to be amounted to. I am worth nothing except what God has called worthy. I don't understand why He would take pity on me when I constantly slap Him in the face every time I screw up. Why? Why this unconditional love? Why can't I be more like Him in the aspect of faithfulness? Why must I always disappoint Him and fail so many times? God's love must be so great to accept this lowly creature. It befuddles me to no end how great His love really is! Wow! To think He would even consider calling me His servant, let alone His daughter. Why? I know because He loves me, and He's amazing....but really think about it....why??? It blows my mind! So with all of this great love that God displays, why can't I even begin to return my gratitude and absolute awe by fearing, trusting, and OBEYING Him? I am so thankul that God never gives up on me.

Currently Listening God By Rebecca St. James Go and Sin No More see related

Pondering

It's another one of those nights
Where I just don't want to sleep,
I feel there is too much on my mind,
The clock just ticks on beat.

So much to think about
So little to say
Wandering if I'll ever sleep,
Waiting for tonight to be another yesterday.

I can't stop dreaming,
Dreaming, yet I'm wide awake,
Letting my mind go wandering
Waiting, wondering which path to take.

I have so much to say
But not a single word comes out,
I try to let my thoughts flow freely,
A mental block, it brings my mind to drought.

Lost...lost so deep in thought
Thinking so much I cannot rest,
I stare at the ceiling aimlessly
My mind on a never ending quest.

Currently Listening How To Save A Life By The Fray see related

burritos, bockers, and banana

Had lunch today with david k from CEF week at camp. we met at moe's on main st. it was fun and i saw alot of people i knew! it was crazy! i ran into a guy from frisbee and his rather boisterous friend and they sat and ate with us. we had some good conversation while we munched down burritos. then the bockers came in and told me they're looking into going into full time ministry with proclaim international! praise the Lord! i hope that goes really well for them.went back for 2nd interview today at Banana Republic...it went really well. they told me i should hear from them by friday if my references are good. (please tom be on your best behavior...no napoleon dynamite impressions like the last time.) I also had dinner with another amazing family: the Hutchinsons! they're a Godsend and Mr. Hutchinson is one of the most pleasant people to talk to. We watched some of the movie A Walk to Remember, and i never really realized how mushy-gushy it was. granted there are some amazingly sweet things, but it's really sappy! wow chick-flick overload. anyways it was a good day and i can't wait to get my shower and get to bed so i'm gonna go. ciao! _bethany

p.s. do y'all believe God has a sense of humor?

Currently Watching A Walk to Remember By Mandy Moore (II), Shane West, David Andrews, Al Butler, Peter Coyote, Clayne Crawford, Lauren German, Daryl Hannah, Xavier Hernandez, Seth Howard, Paula Jones, Matt Lutz, Marisa Miller, Jonathan Parks Jordan, Erik Smith (IV), David Lee Smith, Al Thompson (II), Julia Ann West, Paz de la Huerta see related

...Down in the Banana Republic....

I went to Banana Republic today for a job interview. I'm pretty sure it went rather well; they asked me to come back for a second interview tomorrow at 3. I hope this works out, I hope I have enough clothes that fit the dress code...lol:o)
The highlight of my week though had to be a conversation I had last night with some really great people. It pretty much was one of the most encouraging and inspiring convos I've had. I went home and was still buzzing off it(...well maybe the coffee helped a bit...), but it was something God totally wanted me to hear. awesomentaciousness! Praise the Lord! I am in awe of how God chooses to bless me every day of my life. I don't deserve it! I am eternally greatful for the love He's shown me through His provision, grace, and the people He puts in my path. Please excuse me, I'm on a God high right now! -Bethany